As she sat in my office, Patty said, “It was another bad week on my diet. I didn’t really stick with it at all.
The problem is that I‘m so overwhelmed that I can’t even see straight. By the way, I can’t stay long today because I HAVE to run to pick up my daughter from a friend’s birthday party.”
“What’s making you so overwhelmed?” I asked. She groaned and responded, “There are so many things I HAVE to do right now. After I pick up my daughter, I HAVE to finish the work project my boss assigned yesterday.
I also HAVE to get dinner started, help the kids with homework, and start making their lunches for tomorrow. Oh yes, I also HAVE to attend choir practice at church tonight. So can you see why I’m not making any progress on losing weight?”
“You certainly are busy!” I replied. “Tell me something. Why are you even working on dieting right now? Maybe you should take a break from it.”
“Oh, but you don’t understand!” she exclaimed. “I just HAVE to lose this weight. I guess that also means I HAVE to get my exercise in yet today. But the thought of having to do one more thing makes me want to eat a bag of cookies!”
Like Patty, do you feel overwhelmed with the number of things you HAVE to do? We tend to use the words “have to” for almost everything. But think about how your mental response when you say, “I have to lose weight” or “I have to exercise.”
Most of us don’t like being told we “have to” do anything. That little phrase often makes you rebel and do the opposite. “I have to lose weight, but I don’t feel like it, so I’m going to eat a candy bar.”
No more HAVE to
The truth is you don’t actually HAVE to do anything. This includes going to work, cleaning the house, or even feeding the dog. You CHOOSE to do these things because you want the outcomes or prefer the results that you get from doing them.
For example, you choose to go to work because you like getting a paycheck. You choose to pick up your daughter because you love her and want to take care of her. And you choose to lose weight because you want improved health and better self-esteem.
Starting today, instead of saying, “ have to,” when discussing your actions or goals, substitute the words “I choose to.” Now the phrase “I have to lose weight” becomes “I choose to lose weight.” You make this choice because you want the outcome of feeling better physically or fitting into the clothes in your closet.
Instead of saying, “I have to take a walk today,” switch to “I choose to walk today. I want to build my fitness level and improve my energy.” Saying “I choose to” removes the parental language that makes you feel oppressed or rebellious. It also puts you in charge of your own behavior, giving you more incentive to follow through with your plan.
Choose your actions
To help you see the difference in this wording change, read each of these phrases twice. The first time. use the words “I have to…,” The second time, replace them with “I choose to.”
I have to (vs. I choose to)
…go to work
…stay on my diet plan
…stop yelling at my kids
…clean my house
…exercise today
Practice this until you feel comfortable with it. For one entire day, refer to everything you do as a choice. Say, “I choose to get up early for my meeting,” or “I choose to sit here at my desk and type this report.” Notice the sense of empowerment you get from choosing to do activities compared to thinking you have to do them.
You can’t force yourself to lose weight or to stay on a diet by saying, “I have to.” So start eliminating the harsh, parental self-talk that makes you feel oppressed or rebellious. Any time you feel like you HAVE to do something, say,“I CHOOSE to,” then take steps that move you toward the outcomes you want.