Don was not making any progress with losing weight. It seemed that food always filled in for what was missing in his life.
He told me, “On Friday night, I planned to go to a movie, but when I got to the theater, the show was sold out. So I stopped at the video store on the way home and rented a movie instead.
It turned out to be horrible– not the slightest bit entertaining or enjoyable. But the evening wasn’t a total loss. I had my pint of Häagen-Dazs, so that became my fun.”
We didn’t start out being emotional eaters. As babies, we cried for food when we were hungry, and when we’d had enough, we drifted off to sleep.
During childhood years, you probably didn’t associate food with emotions or problems. Mostly, you ate your meals, ran out to play, and gave little thought to what you had eaten.
Then things began to change. On your birthday, you blew out the candles and everyone celebrated by eating chocolate cake. During mealtimes, people encouraged you, “Eat some more, it’s good for you.” Then they applauded you for cleaning your plate.
The Comfort of Food
After falling and getting a skinned knee as a child, I remember my mom giving me a cookie as she said, “Here you go. Now you’ll feel better.” And my skinned knee magically stopped hurting.
Most of us have memories that involved food and events. For example, after baseball and soccer, you ate pizza whether you won the game or lost it. Food added pleasure to either outcome. You learned that food could turn anything into a fun event or fix any experience that didn’t come out quite right.
Food may also have served as a method of control, rewarding when you were good and punishing if you weren’t. Maybe you heard…
• If you pick up your toys, I’ll give you a snack.
• No dessert until you clean your plate.
• That does it! You’re going to bed with no dinner.
Or, at some point, you may have faced a difficult situation and thought, “If I eat something, maybe I’ll feel better.” And you did.
Over the years, repeating this experience created a link between food and your emotions. But once you become hooked into emotional eating, you can lose sight of how much it affects you.
Food even provides an anchor when you move or get a new job. As you scramble to adjust to new surroundings, you realize that food doesn’t change.
You can travel anywhere, go to any job, move to a new apartment, and food is still there! It makes you feel secure because it’s something familiar.
Food as survival
Many overweight people admit they use food as a drug, hoping to escape their uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
In her job as a human resources director, Alice spends her days taking care of other people and addressing their concerns. But she admits that once she gets home, food is her solace, giving her the comfort and validation that are missing in her work life. Alice told me, “I don’t eat food; I USE food! But I don’t know how to survive without it.”
Peter fears that if he couldn’t use food for comfort, he wouldn’t be able to cope. He says, “For me, overeating is like pushing the mute button on my life. But I keep doing it, because if I stop, life feels too awful to deal with.”
Food is the consolation prize
While eating may temporarily soothe an emotional need, the end result never matches your dream. Food becomes the CONSOLATION PRIZE. It’s better than nothing, but not even close to what you really wanted.
Actually, you probably wanted to be loved, appreciated, comforted, or encouraged. Many days, we’d give anything for someone to hold us or to offer kind, encouraging words.
We want somebody to care that we have a bad cold or that our car broke down for the third time this month. We wish our lives were different–that we had more money, more love, or more fun. When we don’t get these things, it’s easy to look for something to take the place of what’s missing.
Even if you’ve been an emotional eater for years, you aren’t stuck with these negative patterns.
Start by realizing that the key to managing your weight begins with healing your heart, not filling your spoon. As you discover new ways to cope with your emotional needs, you’ll move toward a sense of peace with food–a feeling you may have forgotten existed.