Conquer emotional eating – Week 7

Expressing, Not Stuffing

When Valerie went back to school, her husband agreed to take care of their home one evening a week. He knew he was supposed to feed the kids and get them ready for bed.

But week after week, he left the dirty dishes sitting on the table and the children’s clothes strewn all over the floor. Valerie constantly tried to get him to change his behavior by saying she wanted him to be more responsible around the house.I suspected her husband didn’t know what she meant by the word “responsible.” He assumed that by feeding the kids and spending the evening with them, he was doing his job well.

When I taught Valerie the “I see” technique from this chapter, she came up with a new sequence to express her feelings. Before she left for her class, she told her husband what she wanted.

“When I come home after class and I see the dirty dishes on the table and the kids’ clothes lying on the floor, I feel angry and frustrated. Instead, I want the dishes put into the dishwasher and their clothes laid in a pile on their dressers. Would you like help with any of that, such as loading the dishwasher?”

Her husband acted surprised, but agreed to do what he could. The next time Valerie arrived home after her class, she found the house was spotless, and those things done exactly as she requested.

Expressing, not stuffing emotions

Because this week’s chapter is extremely important, I am giving you the entire text. Here’s a link to it. Chapter 6 – Expressing, Not Stuffing.

Please read it when you have a chance. There’s a lot of great information on healthy ways to express your feelings instead of stuffing them with food.

How to talk about feelings

To get your feelings out, you have to start talking about them. No more bottling them up, then eating to keep them stuffed inside. But how do you begin? Here are a few ideas that can make the process go a lot easier.

When you are ready to talk, feel free to draw from many different methods. You can start by asking someone to sit down and saying, “I need to talk to you.” 

Another option is to write a list of “I feel… because…” statements, then read it to the person involved. Maybe you just need a listening ear to get things off your chest. In that case, vent your emotions to a good friend or a family member, or perhaps talk to your apartment walls or your steering wheel.

Sometimes it helps to have a structured technique to help you express yourself accurately. This approach shows how to state your feelings and desires in a specific order that nearly always results in the changes you want.
 
“I feel, I want, I’ll help”

In the story at the beginning of this newsletter, Valerie used this simple technique with her husband. It involves three statements:

1. When _____, I feel ______.
2. Instead I want __________.  
3. How can I help you do this?

To use this method effectively, always begin by identifying the situation that’s bothering you. Start with the specific phrases, “When I see” or “When this happens,” then add a description of the problem.

Whenever possible, use an “I” statement or a factual observation. By depersonalizing your comments and leaving out any reference to the other person, you don’t give them a reason to become defensive.

For example, instead of saying, “When you leave your dirty clothes on the floor” consider phrasing it “When I see your dirty clothes on the floor.”

There is a subtle but powerful difference between these two statements. Instead of blaming or attacking, you allow the possibility that anyone could have put the clothes on the floor.
 
After you’ve identified the problem, say “I feel” followed by your emotions about the situation. Think about this ahead of time to be sure you describe your feelings accurately.

Next, tell the person what you want in place of the offending behavior. If at all possible, don’t use the word “you.” Simply state the action you want.

With the laundry problem, you might say, “Instead, I want the clothes put into the hamper or clothes basket.”

Finally, add an invitation to help such as “Would you like to have a laundry basket in your own closet? Can I do anything else to make this easier for you?”

By asking people how you can help them comply with your request, you increase the likelihood of getting their cooperation.

Today: Read Chapter 6 in  Life is Hard, Food is EasyThis week, complete the worksheet I feel, I want, I’ll help. You can print it or write the answers in your notebook or journal.